Archive for the ‘greatest hits’ Tag

summertime blues

I read a story recently about a tough job market for unemployed teenagers.

can you believe that shit?

I blame it not on the lousy economy, but on the kids. goddamn kids. back in my day (five mile walk to school in the snow! each way! no shoes!), you got up off the couch and found yourself a terrible waste of time that would pay minimum wage, take twenty-five to thirty hours of your week, and leave you with no discernable work skills — save for an introductory understanding of the American work ethic.  Continue reading


just got back from Taco Bell

okay, I got that taco with the shell made out of Doritos at Taco Bell tonight.
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candy nostalgia

I keep a bag of Werther’s candies in my desk.

I just popped one; I didn’t even take my goddamn eyes off the computer screen. the motion of doing so has been engrained. pick up my right hand, drop it to my side, feel for the drawer grip, pull, dig inside, locate bag, extract single piece of candy, unwrap, partake. that’s execution.

it seems that, whenever my affection for this candy comes up — and it has once or twice in the last few months, usually when I’m walking back from CVS with a fresh bag of these dressed-up dollops of corn syrup — the observation is made: my grandmother used to have these all the time!

yeah, mine did too.

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I made the Kessel run in less than twelve damn parsecs

it was just about 9 am on Sunday morning, and I put “Star Wars” on. it is 2012. this movie is now 35 years old. it needed to be celebrated.

my niece, the one old enough to talk, she wanted to watch “Curious George,” but Uncle Matt said to hell with that noise. it was entirely too early in the day, I reasoned, for children’s programming. you want to watch a movie? okay, I said, I got a movie for you. so we sat there and took in this pop culture staple while my younger, newborn niece slept on my lap, until my older niece got bored and ran off somewhere. she may be a bit too young yet to dig Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker and the rest playing great archetypes, staring wistfully at the two suns, teaching us lessons conveyed through swashbuckling romanticism, all while shitting all over the droids, the underclass in a galaxy a long time ago and far away.

that’s okay, she shouldn’t watch too much TV anyway. but Catherine was sawing logs and I couldn’t reach the remote from the couch, so I finished it out. not like it was pulling teeth or anything because, goddamn: “Star Wars” is a great flick. it involves a pretty simple plot, employs plenty of crazy shit to look at, and makes sure to roll out dozens of little one-liners that imply a lot. which reminds me …

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xmas letter 2011: it’s the most wonderful time of the year

Friends and family, coast to coast: The McMullans wish you Feliz Navidad!

The new millennium is in its ‘tweens, and 2011 is coming to a close. Just like our own childhoods, it was an awkward year, one of character-building experiences for the US of A; Someone pulled out a can of Mace at a California Walmart during a Black Friday shopping frenzy. But, against all odds, Hollywood managed to churn out a halfway decent “Planet of the Apes” reboot. See? That’s American resolve. There’s hope for all of us yet.

But how are we, how are the McMullans, you ask? Well. Read on: Continue reading

kettle’s on

in case you got caught sleeping, or forgot:

next year is in twentythree hours and thirty minutes. everybody in the picture above is still kicking. so with that, I say god bless America. and see you on the other side.

I’m trying real hard to be the shepherd

I really like the last scene in “Pulp Fiction,” when Sam Jackson explains to Tim Roth why he’s not going to kill him. that clip that you just skipped clicking on, it doesn’t include the scene where Jules explains his “moment of clarity” to Vincent about his profession and how he wants to live his life, but it leads into these ten minutes of Mexican standoff and pontificating and ends with a great line, and one to which I can’t exactly relate but I sometimes feel I’m trying real hard to.
is that a pun? or a just a grammatically incorrect sentence?

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the A team

fuckin' a

deli meat

tonight, my uncle opined about the origins of salami.

“back in old Italy, they usedta breeda the piggsa. and they’d have a big ol’ buck pig, and his job was to fuck all of the female pigs and make baby pigs. and by the end of his run, he’d always be a tough old piece of meat.
“so what they’d do is they’d cut his testicles off …”

my brother jumps in and says, “why’s it always gotta be about the testicles?”

undeterred, my uncle continues. “and they fatten the motherfucker up for two years, because once he loses his balls he stops moving around as much and it creates a chemical imbalance, and they let all of that succulent meat on him marbleize.
“then they eat his ass.
“and that’s where salami comes from.”

hot graphic workplace sex dream

this is gonna be awesome, because this is gonna sound very wooden.

so I had a dream the other night. it was a sex dream.

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