I’m covered in poison ivy

Dude. I’m covered in poison ivy right now.

I guess technically I’m covered in a poison ivy rash, but you understand me. And I have no idea where I picked it up. I first noticed a little splotch on Monday, but I took no precautions because where in the hell would I have gotten poison ivy? I had been hermetically sealed in an office building for three days. Did someone come in and rub poison ivy leaves underneath my shirt as I slept?

Who would do something like that? Do we have a madman on our hands? Watch out, Missouri.

But I don’t want to get lost speculating. So just believe me that it’s bad, man, like dogs-howl-when-I-approach bad. I feel like I’m carrying a plague. I’ve got it on my ribs, and then the inside of my forearm where it brushes those ribs on occasion. And it’s on my shin, thigh, the back of my right knee, and because what the heck why not, it’s also on my forehead – like a brushstroke of it coming down from my widows peak. It’s a new look.

Okay. Yes. I’m overdoing it a bit. But it is on all of those places, and I’ve got it enough, or enough of it, that I don’t dare scratch anything for fear that it’s not just an itch, but it’s a poison ivy itch and that it’s trying to jump ship to another limb. And not on my watch it won’t.

So I’ve been stuck in my apartment the last few days, slathering myself in hydrocortisone and watching terrible movies to pass the time. Right now what’s up is Octagon starring Chuck Norris. Something about Chuck Norris fighting ninjas. Also starring Lee Van Cleef, and I like that guy.

this stuff is useless.

this stuff is useless.

So! I’ve gotten advice on how best to treat it. Take cold showers. Hot showers (regardless of temperature, a showerhead on a poison ivy rash feels so good). Sit in the sun. Stay out of the sun. Go swimming in a chlorinated pool. Fill a tub with three parts water, one part bleach.


Join a gym, find a hobby, eat right. Take a vacation, and while you’re there pick up some contact dermatitis, and bring back the same old itch.

So today, just to stay out of the house, I took the long way to CVS to restock on hydrocortisone and oatmeal scrub and athletic tape for my forearm. And good lord is it hot out today and there’s a lot of cars on Rhode Island Avenue. I’ve been listening to the first Stooges album while driving around recently. It’s a great album, and it makes for great summer music. No Fun by the Stooges is my skin rash soundtrack.

You’d imagine that you pick up poison ivy while walking in the woods, or out in the sticks. I probably got it somehow last weekend, on the shirtless, sunburned day on a bike in Marin. Could be, who knows. But it’s not like we’re gonna stop walking around in the woods, right? Lions and tigers, exposure, poison ivy. Still we won’t stop walking around in the woods. I promise you I won’t. The woods and hills are where all of the cool shit is, anyway.


1 comment so far

  1. CAT LADY (@AlishaMustafa) on

    I’m heading to the lake with my dog. I hopefully will not contract poison ivy and spread it to the dog. Oh and heading to the lake because the Madison Regatta was cancelled today due to high water.

Comments are closed.