holiday letter prep

my new employer has loaded me up with a new iPhone.

how do you stylize this? iPhone, that’s how Apple does it, I think. Iphone? IPHONE. oh, hell, could be anything. let’s just consult the AP stylebook, which is kind of like a religious text in the world of grammar.

… and the AP stylebook — I’ve got my copy right here — says, “iPhone. … Use IPhone when the word starts a sentence or a headline.” well, okay. that sounds good to me.

anyway, this phone is a pretty handy device, though it has brought down on me plenty of ribbing by friends and family. see, I often pass myself off as some sort of principled consumer — a privacy-minded Luddite, even. but now that I’ve got the latest and greatest in smart phones, the granddaddy of them all, the sleek, expensive, Chinese-made iPhone, what with its apps and its constant GPS capability, I’ve been exposed. I am clearly all talk. clearly!

I mean look, here’s a picture of just inside my front door, taken just now with the iPhone’s camera feature. privacy be damned!

where the magic happens

yes, look at that. it’s a brave new world, man.

tis the season

so: it is December in America, and that means lots of things to lots of people. but in this apartment, to me and the bikes, it means it’s time to write the family Christmas letter. hurray!

this is a small event for me. around the holidays some work on advent calendars, eating up all the little chocolates day by day. some go a-caroling. others still make it a point to drink egg nog. this is their prerogative. but I just write a Christmas letter, and I very much look forward to it.

I’ve handled its composition for a while now. when I was a teenager I read a David Sedaris essay called “Seasons Greetings” and I thought it was just about the funniest damned thing ever. my mom then humored my interest in writing our family’s own holiday update, and I’m still at it these many years later.

the Sedaris essay’s influence upon me has been pretty lasting; I’ve basically been trying to mimic its tone ever since, most often to mixed results. some of the letters that I’ve written, in hindsight, are pretty cringe-worthy. but I luckily have a very understanding family. you can read a handful of letters from recent years right here.

but! writing this takes a little doing. so to start, I always ask mom to list some happenings of note from the past year that she’d like me to include. and mom — who enjoys these letters — always comes up with some amusing bullshit.

so here’s a few notes that mom emailed along for this year’s letter earlier this evening:

DM,

HERE IS A RECAP OF 2012.

JANUARY  INVESTED IN A NEW CORDLESS “HOUSE” PHONE.

MARCH  THE DOG DIED.

APRIL  RODE THE CAPITAL LIMITED TO DC FOR EASTER OUT EAST – AMTRACK ALLOWS 150# OF “FREE” BAGGAGE.

MAY  PUBLIC SCHOOLS OUT FOR SUMMER BREAK BEFORE MEMORIAL DAT.  VALERIE DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY!

JUNE  HAVEN’T FIGURED OUT HOW TO RETRIEVE THE 300 MESSAGES ON THE NEW “HOUSE” PHONE.

JULY  GAVE AWAY BUSHELS OF TOMATOES FROM THE COMMUNITY GARDEN.  THE VEGETABLE CROP EXPLODED WITH THE RECORD HEAT !

OCTOBER  OUR NEIGHBOR TRIED UNSUCCESSFULLY TO CONVINCE US TO PUT UP A FREEDOM OF RELIGION SIGN IN THE FRONT YARD VOICING ANTI OBAMACARE.

NOVEMBER  WENT TO SEE THE LINCOLN MOVIE WITH AMANDA TODD, A DECENDANT OF MARY TODD LINCOLN AND STILL HAD TO PAY FOR THE TICKETS.

DECEMBER  WATCHING I.U. HOOPS NONSTOP.

mom gets it. mom is on board. she then sent a followup “addendum” email:

DECEMBER  PLAYED THE MEGGA LOTTO AND WON $4.00

important detail! that will definitely be included.

so there you have it! the 2012 Christmas letter is in the works. I will share it when it is vetted by the appropriate parties and ready to go. feel free to start holding your breath.

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2 comments so far

  1. Caitlin Cakouros on

    perhaps the Cakouri should jump in on this holiday letter

  2. dudeokay on

    I think an irreverent Cakouri holiday card is a great idea. I’d read it.


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