Archive for May, 2011|Monthly archive page

take me out to the ball game

it’s been a hell of a national holiday. I hear Rolling Thunder was in town. I got to a baseball game with Aarti and a few relatives this afternoon. Had a pretty good time. and with that being said, I think that’s as good a reason as any to draw the eye back to one of the greater moments in professional sports history.

you can read, I know. but an introduction is in order: this is William Ligue, Jr.
on a balmy September night in 2002, Mr. Ligue, attended a baseball game in Chicago between the White Sox and the Kansas City Royals. and at some point in the game (and after what had to have been a dozen beers), Mr. Ligue decided he had had just about enough lip from Royals first base coach Tom Gamboa, the asshole know-it-all son of a bitch. …
so he and his similarly shirtless 15-year-old son rushed the field, clobbered Gamboa from behind, and gave it their all to deliver upon him a stomping worthy of the best that White Trash America has to offer … before the visiting bench descended upon the pair and beat them stupid.
so. god bless alcohol abuse, bad parenting, and America. I hope you are all sleeping okay out there.

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so many wars to keep track of

everybody’s got a blog these days, and nearly without exception they’re better than mine. these people get paid to do this shit, after all.

here’s one I just read:

Last Friday, the sixty days that the War Powers Act allows for a President to carry on military action before getting Congress to sign on expired—turning the President’s prediction of “days, not weeks” into months—with about as much effect as the end of the seven thousand years Harold Camping calculated between this past weekend and Noah’s flood. Jay Carney, the White House’s spokesman, tried to explain:

Q: Do you have a legal justification that you can share with us to sort of—that you guys have sought on this, just to make sure—MR. CARNEY: As you know—

Q: I know you’re not a lawyer.

MR. CARNEY: —I’m not a lawyer.

Q: But can you share something—

MR. CARNEY: There is a—there has been a long debate about—in this country about—and which we do not need to replicate here because the amount—the stuff written about the War Powers Resolution over the years could fill this room and none of it would be conclusive.

I got a formula down

a couple years ago, I got a headline into the Progress that read “Man suffers gut wound.” I was very pleased with it — it was to the point; nice, tight; had “gut” in it. really, all the pieces were there.

this is all to say: after effectively spending four years of my life slacking off, barely getting paid and writing headlines, I appreciate an amusing headline — or “hed,” in industry parlance for all you copy-editor groupies out there — when I see one.
so here’s a headline I just stumbled upon on ESPN dot com: “Ray Lewis says crime will rise if season lost.”

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strike while the iron is hot, I say

I have been slacking off on the whole blogging thing for a while now. readership may well have fallen into the single digits. that’s bad news!
so, in the interests of providing me a ready-made topic to get the, uh, juices flowing, let’s us go back to the metaphorical well: let’s talk about Sunday afternoon in the greater Las Vegas area with Neil, Pat and mister body hair himself, Mike Smith.

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huge, heavy lifting

I went to Las Vegas. and because of the profound and emotional connection I shared with Neil, Smith, Pat, and Pat’s suitcase full of beer, I’ll have to collect my thoughts for another week before I really think about putting pen to paper on the subject.

I got a good, six and a half-mile run in today. my leg is cramped up, just a litle bit, so I may forgo a run in the morning. I need to stay on this pace, need to get some miles beneath me now, while it’s still May, if I’m going to be anywhere near ready for the race in five months.
while I was stretching, “Way of the Dragon” came on.
it got me thinking, for reasons that will soon be obvious, about Chuck Norris.

we know much of Chuck Norris, ubiquitous shitty film star. his movies are not gray affairs; you’re rarely unaware of which way the moral compass points. be it a “Missing in Action” movie or an episode of “Walker: Texas Ranger,” “Invasion: USA” or “The Delta Force,”  Norris consistently plays the lodestar of truth, justice, modesty, martial arts violence, and the American way.
and he wears his personal politics on his sleeve, as well: he supported Mike Huckabee in 2008, and writes a weekly column — which is quite conservative, and may be a contributor to any perceived cooling of his cult-icon status.
for a while, Chuck Norris memes were popular online, especially the cascading, neverending list of Norris “facts.” to wit: 

1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris counted to infinity — twice.
3. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

and so on.
anyway, like I was saying, I was watching “Way of the Dragon.” and here’s a fact that doesn’t get repeated nearly enough: Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris fought in “Way of the Dragon” and Lee beat Norris’ bum-ass to death. it gets extra solid aroud the three-minute mark.

this movie is legit. and god damn, did I hate that brief cultural phenomenon.

I’m gonna lose tens upon tens

it’s been a busy week. and I’ve been giving a big ol’ FU to the blog as of late … 
… and that trend will have to continue. I’m going to spend a dumb weekend in the dumbest city in the country: Las Vegas. oh yes. the last time I went there resulted in this and this and this.
so as this quiet absence continues, let’s all continue to handle the latest news concerning international terrorism with the grace that befits our great nation:

thanks be to my friend Ashley for showing me this wonderful video.