an excuse to type

let’s us have some Q an’ A with President Obama, why don’t we. he addressed the nation earlier, and I’m watching the rerun, as he had his first primetime press conference on how the economy’s fucked and we need to back this stimulus plan. so sit back, and enjoy some gross generalizations while I hunt for the most sensational quotes.

AP’s Jennifer Loven (it’s nice to put a face to the name) says: Obama, talk about what you know that would lead you to say that our recession may be permanent. do you think you risk losing credibility by using such dire language?
Obamer: no. cites Japan in the nineties. they weren’t bold and swift enough, he says. “what I’m trying to underscore is what the people in Elkhart already understand.”
“some of the criticisms (of this bill) are with the basic idea that gov. should intervene in this crisis.” and wtf is up with that? also? he’s got some plans to loosen up the credit markets. get ready, Wall Street.
“what I won’t do is returned to the failed theories of the last eight years that got us here in the first palce. they’ve been tested, and they’ve failed.” word.

someone else axes: “what are your strategies for engaging Iran?” does Iran want to talk to us?
Oblammo: it’s got a hell of a history, the Persian empire, I’ll tell you what. but financing terrorist organizations, “bellicose language toward Israel,” nuclear weapon development, “are not only contrary to our interests, but contrary to the interest of international peace.” we should use diplomacy, because, what the hell, why not. the last dickhead didn’t bother to try that, for eight years, and he didn’t get anything done.
oh, he’ll whup ass if he has to, don’t worry. but “there’s the possibility, at least of a relationship of mutual respect and progress.”

Chip Reed: you’re all about bipartisanship, but you aren’t getting any votes from the Republicans. what went wrong?
Prez: “when I made a series of overtures to Republicans … all those were not designed simply to get some short-term votes, they were designed to build up trust over time. … hopefully that’ll be reciprocated.” but “I can’t afford to see Congress play the usual political games.” “my bottom line is, send me a bill that creates 3 million jobs.”
“when I hear that from folks who presided over a doubling of the national debt, I just want them to not engage in some revisionist history. I inherited the debt that we have right now.”
ha. so fuck you, Eric Cantor. fiscal conservatism, my ass.

Chuck Todd: you wanna increase consumer spending. but isn’t that how we got into this mess? don’t you want people holding on to those dolla dolla bills, y’all?
Obama: consumer spending didn’t get us into this mess. massive investment banks trading on ridiculous leverage without any fucking oversight got us into mess. you fucking moron. your goatee makes you look like an asshole. why don’t you sit the fuck down before I come over there and put my wingtip up your ass? next question.
I don’t know what it is about Chuck Todd that raises this kind of response in me.
wait, no, Obama also says, “this notion that I came in here ginned up to spend $800 billion dollars, that wasn’t how I envisioned my presidency beginning.”

question: won’t the government need more than $350 billion in TARP funds to fix the credit crisis?
Obama: because there was no oversight, “we didn’t get as much bang for the buck as we should have.” he spends all of about 90 seconds on this question.

ABC: How can we gauge if these recovery programs are working?
Obamama: if we create some jobs, then that’ll be pretty tits. then if the credit markets are working, that’d be pretty cool, too.

Ed Henry: let’s talk about Afghanistan. are we gonna stop sneaking soldiers’ dead bodies into Dover Air Force base under the cover of night? because that’s pretty faggy.
Obama: well, uh, we are in the process of reviewing those policies, in conversations with the Department of Defense. a nice, boring answer.
drops a laundry list of what’s fucked up about Afghanistan, the ol’ graveyard of empires. oh, and the border regions of Pakistan, we gotta fix that. shit that everyone knows, and everyone knows he knows. this is the kind of question you ask in hopes that he’ll fuck it up and you can get a good quote out of him.

Helene Cooper: are you gonna make banks use their credit to loosen up lending practices?
Obama: I’ll let my boy Geithner answer that question at his press conference, cause he’s the treasury secretary. edit: OH BOY DID GEITHNER HAVE A PRESS CONFERENCE TODAY OR WHAT

question: VP Biden said that even you make all the right calls, there’s a 30% chance you’ll get it wrong. what the hell was he talking about?
Obama: I, uh, don’t exactly recall what Joe was talking about (press corps laughs). repeats talking points.

Washington Post, oh, here it is, here it is: What is your reaction to news that Alex Rodriguez used performance-enhancing steroids?
Obama: I didn’t bother to listen to what he said. when I was on deadline tonight, trying to get the wire story on this press conference on A1, I almost lost my shit, because AP saw it fit to move 10 inches on the president’s take on the A-Rod bombshell before they moved anything else. because, oh jesus christ, who gives a flying fuck about steroids in baseball. 

Helen Thomas: do you believe that Pakistan is harboring these ‘so-called’ terrorists? do you know of anybody else in the Middle East that got nuclear weapons? ‘so-called’, she says.
Obama: yes. Pakistan needs to clamp down on that shit. but Thomas, in typically ancient curmudgeonly style, keeps trying to interrupt him.

Sam Stein of the Huffington Post: Patrick Leahy (D-Hippie) wants to open a ‘truth and reconciliation commission’ into the ‘misdeeds of the Bush administration’. will you rule out prosecution of Bush administration officials?
Obama: we don’t torture, no one’s above the law, and …
wait, I gotta cut in here. who gave the fucking Huffington Post White  House press credentials? I’m saying it here and now: anyone who gets their news from that internet rag is a fucking moron. someone should set this asshole on the curb.

question: if you can’t get any GOP votes on the stimulus bill, how the hell are you gonna handle shit in the future? health care reform, for instance.
Obama: “when it comes to how we approach the issue of fiscal responsibility …  it’s a little hard for me to take criticism from folks about this recovery package after they’ve presided over a doubling of the national debt.”
ZING.

transcript

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