don’t worry, I’m on it again

“God has so richly blessed our land with the supplies we need.”
– Sarah Palin, explaining why Baby Jesus thinks we should drill for the inadequate amounts of oil underneath wildlife refuges.

I’ll be back later.

I am back, and in a foul mood. thank god there’s politics to ruin baseball!
let’s us follow Barack Obama’s primetime informercial.

this is what a giant warchest buys you. follow along as Obama introduces us to America.

first up: some asshole in Kansas City who has about six kids and can’t afford to get his ACL fixed. is money a problem, sir? then maybe you shouldn’t have so many kids. I’m allowed to say that, because I’ll never get elected to anything.

Obama’s back, standing in a gazebo and talking to a pensioner who looks like he’s about to cry … and this is an ad. I think these people are actors. everyone looks to scrubbed.
someone’s noodling on an acoustic guitar.
and now Ted Strickland. “he’s a Democrat who’s gonna cut taxes!”
Kathleen Sebelius: it must be his Midwest roots. I agree, Sebelius. it must be.

now, a new family that Obama’s talkin’ bout: a black couple in Ohio. retirees, own their home. had to take a loan out on their house because they gotdam Medicaid ain’t cutting it. Larry had to go to work at Wal-Mart like a chump to pick up the slack. okay, I’ve got nothing snide to say about them. this genuinely looks like it sucks. 

Obama’s talking about energy independence. blah blah blah, talking points, you know, he’s gonna kill McCain. he’s gonna fucking kill him. look at this, he’s talking on a network television station for half an hour before a fucking World Series game. what’s McCain doing? my money’s on a circle jerk with a bunch of +50 veterans.

more endorsements: Tim Kaine, and that piece of shit from Google, Eric Schmidt, they like Obama too. this motherfucker knows busniess, they say, as we move to more scenes of Obama talking to rooms full of polite white people.

and now we’re on to education policy. lots of children and soft piano music. pictures of his parents.
says education and health care are a right for all Americans. and speaking of health care, he’s got an idear how to fix it. two words, bitches: Information Technology. computerized health records is on the way.

oh, and he’s a good father.
here’s your boy Dick Durbin: he was a clear leader in Springfield, Illinois.
and Claire McCaskill: “he had to fight senior members of the Senate who liked it just fine the way it was”, what with their fancy airplane rides and such.
Joe Biden: he and Big Dick Lugar stopped Loose Nukes! also, he was impressed with the way he came in and just asked tough questions. of all of the cheesedick, instantly-recognizable bullshit moments during the last 20 minutes, this is the most obvious one.
Obama, paraphrased: Biden’s the greatest senator ever, which, of course, is why I picked him.

next family, hillbilly autoworkers. I have nothing to say, except that the patriarch of this family has a nice moustache.

now, images of the Great Depression and stock footage of WWII.
“I learned from an early age from my grandparents how vital it is to defend liberty.” what did I learn from my grandparents? A) never trust management, and B) Gary was cool until black people moved in. racism dies hard. 
but this is his foreign policy segue, cause now  we’re talking about foreign policy. he’s gonna, apparently, be one mean son of a bitch. but he understand it’s family members who fight our wars, so he won’t go too nuts.
Bill Richardson, foreign policy expert: this guy could be a great president!

and now, he finishes with a climactic live speech in Orlando, Florida. packed house. Biden’s on stage with him. wide shots, lots of people.

you know, I intrinsically prefer Democrats to Republicans, and when you peel away the bullshit, Obama to McCain, but this is just too much. this country would elect a goddamn vampire to the presidency if that vampire had enough money. this last half hour is much less democracy than it is a fucking advertising campaign. Obama’s flying off the shelves right now.
either way, next Tuesday’s gonna be a bloodbath. John McCain’s gonna get stomped like a grape.

on with the World Series.


8 comments so far

  1. Spencer on

    The soundtrack for the hopeformercial was off the chain. It sounds like the cheesedick music that Eddie Vedder wrote for that “Into the Wild” movie.

  2. Smith on

    Dude, I think you need to put somewhat of a check on your cynicism. I mean, what would you do differently? That 30 minute infomercial was the equivalent of giving a hot cup of coco to middle-age and senior white voters. “Hey, I know… I’m black, but don’t worry I’m cool.” As sad as it is to admit, we unfortunately have a large segment of our country that can be easily described as retarded. They are absolutely ignorant of the important issues and will believe any outlandish thing that matches up with their preconceived stereotypes. For the most part, we just have to wait this shit out and wait until these morons die off one by one. But I don’t want to have to wait 20 years for shit to start moving in the right direction. You and I are both progressives/liberals and I don’t know about you, but I want this shit started NOW. We’re sure as hell not going to get everything we want, but we can at least lay the foundations and start disproving a lot of the conservative bullshit that has been shoveled down peoples’ throats since Reagan. At least buy us some time until people our age or younger start getting in positions of power.

    I guess the difference between us is that we both acknowledge that fact, but disagree on how to fix it… Well maybe disagree is the wrong word… I guess I just don’t know where you stand. We’ve had this conversation many times in the past. It’s always easier to point out what’s wrong than to come up with solutions on how to fix it. I fucking hate the fact that most people get their news from television or uninformed sources and rumors, but they do, and Republicans have been working the system effectively for a long time. We finally have someone who can not only stand up toe-to-toe with these assholes, but can actually smash the motherfuckers right in their god damn skull and step over their limp body to the finish line. The best part is that he was able to do it without scarring people to our side.

    That infomercial was cheesy as hell and you analyzed it dead on with what they were trying to achieve with it, but I guess my question is: what was what your problem with it? Would you rather he be like a Republican and scare’em, talking about how if John McCain were elected we would be going to war with Iran? Would you rather he not do it at all? Would you rather he give all of his campaign money back and hope that he somehow wins in November? How did you feel after that asshole Bush won in 2004? You complained about it constantly and rightfully so.

    Even though I hold very liberal views, I consider myself a fairly grounded realist. It’s simply too easy to spread and believe misinformation. For every one person I set straight and refute their bullshit, there are 10 more out there that believe everything they get in their inbox. I’m tired of banging my head against a wall built out of ignorance, and if cheesy shit like this can help tear it down then I’m all for it. I don’t have a problem with him spending that much money on an advertisement, in fact I’m glad he did it.

  3. matt on

    there’s a couple of reasons I don’t work in politics. I’m way too cynical, as you say, for someone of my age, and, let’s be honest, I’m kind of lazy.
    I think you understand me, Smith, when you say this shit needs to end. I agree, it does. it has been so far, in my nascent voting life, that when I go the polls I’m not pulling the level for someone as much as I am against someone else. the Bush administration, during which I formed my first political opinions, has made it very easy to despise Republicans.
    I’m getting off track.
    I understand that we live in a massive, wealthy country. and that national elections require massive, wealthy campaigns. but I look at campaign events, campaign rallies, and political advertisements — of all stripes — and it makes me sad.
    last night was a goddamned commercial, Smith. it is edited, with warm lighting, with manicured scripts, and friendly faces and they are selling you a political candidate. that may as well have been a beer ad. “Coors. The Banquet Beer.”
    point is, I recognize WHY they do it. but don’t tell me it’s necessary.
    because if you think it’s necessary to run a fucking informercial a week before the election to win the goddamned thing, and if you think anyone who actually watched that thing is dumb enough to let it sway their vote, then maybe you’re just as cynical as I am.

    also, Fallout 3 is warped. you should get it.

  4. Smith on

    “This country would elect a goddamn vampire to the presidency if that vampire had enough money.”

    “If you think it’s necessary to run a #@$%&*! infomercial a week before the election to win the goddamned thing, and if you think anyone who actually watched that thing is dumb enough to let it sway their vote, then maybe you’re just as cynical as I am.”

    I am as cynical as you. The difference is that you are a miserable bastard and I’m just plain adorable 🙂 We both know reality; people are stupid and commercials work, if they didn’t there wouldn’t be any. He won’t lose any votes with that commercial, but he will win at least some.

    As far as politics/campaigning go – yeah I’d say it was necessary, at the very least they were exercising careful prudence. I’ve predicted a landslide since this shit started as I’m sure you have too, but that doesn’t mean I want to take chances. In fact I want to decimate them. I want the Dems to go into massive debt outspending these assholes because this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I don’t want it squandered. Ideally my hope is that Republicans get so fucking worked that we see the emergence of a strong central 3rd party pushing the Dems to the left and creating an actual strong progressive movement. I’m hoping the fiscal conservative Republicans are forced to purge the social conservatives from their bowels, relegating them to the laughing stock they have become in the eyes of our generation.

    Here’s a scene I’m sure you are familiar with. I want Obama’s sweaty balls slapping against McCain and the GOP’s faces as he reverse-tomahawk jams over them. Then kicks them in the balls. Then pees on them.

    I want complete upheaval, I want to be able to look back in 10 years and say “holy shit, I can’t believe that happened”, I want people to be encouraged to listen to ideas; I want us to better ourselves. If Bush has shown us anything it is that basic progression… human advancement can be stifled, even reversed. We have become a pettier, dumber, and more aggressive nation because influential leaders have a way of shaping the masses. I wonder what this country will be like if we have the opposite approach. I’m being too optimistic, I know, but there is always that 1% chance that something special and unexpected could happen. The only way that can even be started, the only way that is even possible (and it is by no means probable) is for a resounding victory by Obama and Democrats (simply because they are most progressive choices currently available that can win).

    So yeah, I want him to pull out all the stops and do every smart political and campaign maneuver possible, even if its sappy bullshit like we just saw. Those bio/documentary/infomercials do work on some people. And you’re right, they were packaging and selling a candidate, but since it was a positive message that was honest and didn’t involve him lying or scaring people, I don’t have to feel bad about it swaying people to vote for him.

    Just picked up Fallout 3. Going to rock.

  5. dave on

    hey how bout a bailout b-rock?
    hey how bout a bailout johnny Mc?

    make a real stand! and break the broken system

  6. Smith on

    I agree the bailout was extremely flawed, but something of that financial magnitude was needed in order for credit to start flowing again, IMO.

  7. dave on

    yes, but washington jus wrote wall street a check basically, with no strings attached…they should have done something to regulate what wall st. would do/ make wall st cut back on shit so people are not kept down
    corps. own ALL OF US and something could have changed, but there were no compromises made
    washington had wall st. by the throat and they let them go, as my main man would say

  8. dave on

    and besides that, there is also the “patriot act”
    thanks to obama, mccain and many others

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