the next vice president will be one of these two assholes

oh god, here it comes.
it is 11:28 pm as of right … now, on the eastern seaboard. I had to work tonight, like an asshole, and now, the vice presidential debate is about to reair on C-SPAN at 11:30.
and I’m going to “live blog” it. the reairing, I mean. oh boy!
I’ve read nothing on it up to this point, even though I sat in a newsroom all evening. so I’m going cold, motherfuckers. I’m going cold.

it begins:

Hello, Gwen Ifill! she lays out the ground rules. 90 seconds for each questions, then two minutes for grabbag/rebuttal. and no one in the audience can talk at all. so to you reading along: shut up, shh.
here they come. Sarah Palin says to Joe Biden, “can I call you ‘Joe’?”

alright, it’s on. Biden goes first. the question is on the bailout bill. 
Ifill: “was this the worst of Washington, or the worst of Washington that America saw this week?” she’s talking about the 15 days of bickering on Capitol Hill.

Biden: says yes and no. blah, blah, thanks for having me, Gwen. Barack Obama has laid out four points to get us through this mess. Biden is wearing his serious face. “the fundamental disagreement” between the two camps, he says, is he and Obama are gonna focus on the middle class. so, that means, McCain/Palin won’t.
Palin: wanna know how the economy’s doing? go to a kids’ soccer game and talk to some parents about that, and she’ll “betcha” you hear some fear about it. “betcha”: she said it with emphasis. thank god, she says, that McCain sounded the warning bell two years ago about Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. also: he’s bipartisan. and unless you didn’t know this, John McCain solved this crisis. god, John McCain is fucking awesome.

Ifill: how are you gonna solve this bipartisan bickering in Washington?

Biden: he stopped violence against women and thinks genocide is a damn shame, and that’s on record. but John McCain? that asshole doesn’t know what he’s talking about with the economy.
Palin: when McCain said ‘the fundmantals of our economy are strong,’ he was referring to the American worker. right. but anyway, Palin’s tired of the old politics of usual. and she’s on a team of mavericks.

Ifill: says, “governor, senator, neither of you really answered” that last question. so Ifill says that she’s gonna come back to it. but anyway: the subprime meltdown. who is at fault?

Palin: predatory lenders. gotta stop greed and corruption on Wall Street. she and John McCain? yeah, they’ll stop that shit. and now, she’s giving us a lecture on home economics. says “we have an opportunities to learn a heckuva a lot of lessons from this.” she emphasizes “heckuva.”
Biden: Obama saw the meltdown coming. Biden says the Wall Street Journal says he’s all about regulation. McCain isn’t, he says, and cites the article in McCain’s name that calls for the deregulation of the health care industry. also, he slips in ‘McCain raises taxes’ in there, somewhere.

Palin: “darn right we need tax relief in America …” empahsizes “darn.” Obama, apparently, if you raise taxes, you’re not on the people’s side. “government’s gonna have to learn to live with less and be more efficient …”
Biden: takes a piece out her ass. calls her on the tax vote, which was a procedural vote. points out that Palin didn’t have any rebuttal for the deregulation thing.
Palin: no, I’m still talking about taxes. goes off on tangent until Ifill cuts her off.

I missed the next question, but they’re still talking about taxes, and it’s all kinds of bullshit. Biden says McCain will get almost everything to the superwealthy and corporations, and Obama will worry about the middle class. Palin says Obama’s gonna fuck over small businesses with his tax plan. wants the government to get out of the way of the private sector so families and businesses can grow and thrive. this is just noise. there’s really nothing to be gained from that exchange, no one will ever refer to what they say here or hold them accountable for it; when they go back and watch this particular moment on video in 50 years in the library of congress, the audio will cut out to static, or you’ll just hear a continuous “duhhh”.

Ifill: you wanna talk about health care packages, Palin?

Palin: McCain’s health care plan is “budget neutral”. everybody gets a $5,000 tax credit for health care. says Obama’s health care plan is some kind of government-run program. she says that like she’s poking a universal health care plan with a stick.
Biden: you wanna know how McCain’s gonna give everyone five grand? he’s gonna tax your private health care plan. blah blah blah, “I call (McCain’s plan) the ultimate ‘Bridge to Nowhere’.”

Ifill: as your running mates decided not to answer this question, what programs your campaigns have promised will you have to abandon?

Biden: commitments to foreign interests. existing Bush tax cuts for the Big Oil andn the wealthy, and McCain supports that shit. the $100 billion tax dodge that lets you hide your huge cash offshore is “unpatriotic”.
Palin: back in Alaska she took on the oil companies that Obama empowered with tax breaks with the ’05 energy bill. because she’s for The People of Alaska. she had to fix that shit. thanks a lot, Barack Obama, you fucking dick.

Ifill: so, uh, Palin, are you going to answer the original question?

Palin: the only thing she’ll say is … nothing. bullshit. John McCain keeps all of his promises.
Biden: refers to some obscure tax credit for oil companies McCain has added to his campaign statement. he and Obama are for a windfall tax on Big Oil. like the one Palin just said she supported in Alaska, so he’ll give her credit for that.

Ifill: do you support legislation to help homeowners facing bankruptcy?

Palin: well, uh, well … John McCain will fix this crisis. “it’s a toxic mess on Wall Street that Main Street has to clean up”. so, what she means to say is, no, she doesn’t.
Biden: blah blah, blah … “but here’s the deal: Barack Obama pointed out …” this means ‘no’ too. but wait … he’s saying we should be allowing bankruptcy courts to readjust your mortgage rates and the principle you own on your house, he says. yes. he agrees. we should. he thinks McCain and Palin don’t support this.

Ifill: Palin, is that so?

Palin: no, it’s not. but she wants to talk about energy. we need to be energy independent. translated, that means her ticket doesn’t support giving bankruptcy courts the authority to do that shit Biden talks about.

note: Palin’s dispicable. but I’d fuck her. and that’s the whiskey talking.

Ifill: “what is true and what is false” about climate change?

Palin: says: she’s the governor of Arcitic state, so she knows about this shit. so yeah, there’s some realness to climate change, but how are we gonna get to “positively affect the impact” climate change? this is a lot of bullshit because she’s been caught on record as having not believed in this global warming, because she’s a stupid hillbilly. and now she’s blaming foreign countries’ pollution standards.
Biden: “I think it’s man-made. I think it’s clearly man-made.” “if you don’t know what the cause is, it’s virtuallly impossible to come up with the solution. we (the Obama campaign) know what the problem is. we know the problem is man-made.” John McCain doesn’t vote for clean energy, he says. says McCain is deflecting the issue with this push for offshore drilling, which won’t get us any goddamn oil for like a decade, and then barely even a drop.
Palin: Obama and Biden haven’t ever supported home-based energy production.

Ifill: do you support caps on carbon emissions, Palin? Palin says yes.
Ifill: do you support clean-coal technologies, Biden? Biden does too. but John McCain voted 20 times against green energy technologies.

Ifill: does Biden support benefits for same-sex couples?

Biden: fuck yes he does. “absolutely, absolutely.” he’s still talking, but I can’t fucking wait for Palin’s answer.
Palin: no, not if it goes to redefine traditional marriage between one man and one woman. but she’s got no problems with gays, really. really. she’s got lots of diverse friends. so yes, and most definitely, she’s not gonna support gay civil unions. but a McCain/Palin administration is not going to … stop them from getting hitched? what?

Ifill: you two are about as noncommittal as a pack of Swedes. avoid the nuances. Biden, you dirty motherfucker, are you for gay marriage?

Biden: no. no change in its definition.
Palin. nope.

Ifill: fine. moving on. so what’s your exit strategy for Iraq?

Palin: the surge is fucking great! Obama didn’t support the surge, the pansy! points out that during the Democratic primary, Biden called Obama’s vote against it a political move. haw, haw, Biden, now you on the spot.
“it would be a travesty if we quit now in Iraq”, Palin says, now that we’re so close to victory.
Biden: “with all due respect, I didn’t hear a plan.” nice. Obama’s for the drawdown, as is Biden. he points out Iraq’s budget surplus. because, his point is, what the fuck is up with that? that’s some bullshit. “fundamental difference: We will end this war.”
Palin: (this is seriously verbatim) “uh …. your plan is a white flag of surrender in Iraq … (long pause) and that’s not what our troops need to hear today.” calls Petraeus an American hero, or somesuch nonsense.
basically, she says the Obama’s unfit to be commander-in-chief, and that Biden …. wait, she’s talking directly about Biden’s son, who’s going to Iraq with the Delaware National Guard … nope. she says nothing offensive.
Biden: “John McCain voted against funding for our troops. Let me say that again ….” puts McCain’s name in the same sentence as Dick Cheney. “as my mother would say, ‘god love him,’ but (McCain’s) been dead wrong.”

Ifill: who’s a greater threat: a nuclear Iran or Pakistan?

Biden: Pakistan. but “they’re both very dangerous, they’d both be game-changers.” attacks McCain. al-Qaida’s in Pakistan, and we need to help establish a stable government in that country, and John McCain doesn’t do this.
Palin: “both are extremely dangerous.” but Iran can’t get a nuke, period. way to take a stand there. says Ahmadinejad’s name a couple of times, without saying it incorrectly and giggling, like McCain did last week. says Obama’s statement that he’d meet with leaders from adversarial nations is “downright dangerous.”

Ifill: yeah, but all sorts of former diplomatic types (mentions Henry Kissinger) say you should talk to your adversaries. beause, you mouth-breathing cretin, you can just kill everything you don’t like. 

Palin: yeah, Kissinger is dreamy, but these people “hate America! they hate our freedoms!” diplomacy is serious, but “you gotta have yer friends back you up there.” donchaknow.
Biden: makes a case for diplomacy. John McCain said he wouldn’t sit down with NATO ally Spain, Biden says. note: that’s actually true, but it’s because Univision, I think, was interviewing McCain, and he got confused because they were speaking some disgusting pig latin (spanish). and that excuse is still just as scary as if he really meant what he orginially said.

Ifill: what has Bush administration done right regarding Israel?

Palin: McCain/Palin administration would support a two-state solution.
Biden: “no one in the Senate has been a better friend to Israel than Joe Biden.” says the administration’s Israel policy has been an “abject failure.” Hezbollah is running wild in Lebanon!!!
Palin: “I’m so encouraged to know that we both support Israel.”  but the American people are getting tired of the blame game. for a ticket that talks about change … there’s just too much pointing fingers.” talks about partisanship. John McCain is a maverick. she respects Biden for respecting John McCain — awesome — “but change is comin'”.
Biden: she’s not answering any of these questions. cause he wants to know: how is John McCain’s policies be any different than George Bush’s? he says their names together about a dozen times.

Ifill: how should nuclear weapons be used?

Palin: can’t let weapons “proliferate.” she makes “proliferate” sound like it’s a euphamism for fucking, but that’s the whiskey and half-bowl talking. and now Palin’s talking about Afghanistan, and how Obama doesn’t know what’s going on about that shit. “we’re fighting terrorists and building democracy.”
Biden: the surge principle in Iraq Will Not Work in Afghanistan (he emphasizes each word). “three weeks in Iraq = six 1/2 years in Afhganistan.” that’s how much we’re spending on each, he says. John McCain … doesn’t support anything that’s good. etc.
Obama and Dick Lugar from Indy got together to stop nuclear proliferation, he says. this is true, actually. remember when they got held up at the airport in the Russian steppe? I do.
Palin: the surge will work in Afghanistan. she speaks on this for about 15 seconds, and then promptly cedes the floor back to Biden. as an observational note, that was stupid …

…. because now, Biden’s talking about how smart Obama’s been on Afghanistan policy. she could have spent these precious seconds bullshitting through half-truths, but she left it to her foe.

Ifill: Will Americans support sending troops to Darfur?

Biden: he talks about Bosnia. going into Iraq, tries to explain his authorization Iraq war vote back in 2003. and now, “I don’t have the stomach for genocide when it comes Darfur.” “we should rally the world to act, and we should demonstrate it by our own movement …”
Palin: “it’ so obvious that I’m a Washington outsider …” and tries to bring up the whole ’04 bullshit of ‘voted for it before you were against it’. I almost threw a beer bottle at the TV. she thinks Darfur is a bad thing, and now she’s talking about how much money she’s made Alaska because she knows about energy. under her watch, Alaska had no business dealings with the Sudanese government. translation: blah blah blah, no direct action. she responded to Biden, then gave a lengthy non-answer.
and I just looked up at the television, and I’ve noticed that Palin’s been smiling the entire time. what the fuck is up with that?
Biden: talks about how McCain’s Iraq strategies have been wrong. (note: how the fuck did we get on this subject?)
Palin: “there ya go again,” Palin says, in her folksy patois. blah blah blah, McCain knows how to win a war. (note: I disagree. last war he participated in, he got his ass shot down and we left in defeat in ’75.)

Ifill: how do your policies differ from your running mates? this is basically a free statement allowed to the both of them.

Biden: gives campaign speech, and says “this is the most important election any of you have voted in since 1932.”
Palin: she and Mcain are a team of Mavericks, so of course they’re gonna disagree, donchaknow. she says she’s gonna keep pushing him on ANWAR, but then they’re gonna work together on combating Greed and Corruption on Wall Street. namedrops Wasilla. says government needs to get out of the way. because, as is obvious to any asshole who hasn’t read a newspaper in the last two weeks, deregulation is a good thing.
Biden: “can I respond?” namedrops some dump in Wilmington called Katie’s Restaruant and says he spends a lot of at Home Depot. this makes me laugh out loud.
Biden continues: McCain doesn’t get these, these general ‘middle class’ concerns, but Barack Obama will bring change. or somesuch nonsense. 
Palin: “say it ain’t so, Joe, now, they’re you go again.” Biden laughs at this planned line.
you’re pointing fingers, she says. says of Biden’s wife, because she’s a teacher, “her reward will be in heaven.” talks about how awesome education is. gives a shout out to 3rd graders in Wasilla. apparently, loves No Child Left behind.

Ifill: what’s the vice president’s role?

Palin: she’s talked with McCain about “where she would lead”, and apparently, she’d be in charge of energy and families with children special needs. so she’d be in charge of whateverthe term ‘energy policy’ entails, and retards. sure. why not? 
Biden: the reason No Child Left Behind don’t work is because the money was Left Behind. he has a history of getting shit done in the Senate, he says. “every major decision he’d be making, I’ll be in the room … giving him my best advice.”
Palin: rebuts something. says nothing noteworthy. no, really. nothing. trust me, I’m listening for anything worth writing down.

Ifill: Vice President Cheney’s interpretation of the role?

Biden: Vice President Cheney has probably been the most dangerous vice president in the history of the United States. he rails on this for a while.

Ifill: “let’s talk conventional wisdom for a moment.” Palin, everyone says you got no experience. Biden, you put your goddamned foot in your mouth constantly. respond.

Palin: she’s a governor, and a mother with a son in Iraq and a retard baby. she shares McCain’s view that we’re “a nation on exceptionalism”. exceptionalism. is that a word? also, she and McCain “are a good team, a good ticket.”
Biden: talks about his record. calls himself the catalyst for change on the vote on Bosnia. mentions how his wife died and his kids were fucked up in a car accident. acknowledges that he’s “much better off now” than most Americans. says he understands peoples’ worries. says “they’re looking for change.”
Palin: wisely doesn’t go on offense after Biden mumbles about his dead wife and nearly-crippled children. talks up herself and McCain again, points out how McCain’s a maverick, unless you haven’t heard her the last dozen times.
Biden: apparently, now he’s gonna take exception to Palin calling McCain a ‘maverick’ all night. launches off on something he must have practiced. “a Maverick he is not.”

Ifill: last question. can you think of a single position you’ve had to change your strong opinion on, based on circumstances?

Biden: the American people have a right to know about the earlier positions of federally-appointed judges. he must’ve supported them not knowing at some point.
Palin: she fucking loves cuttin’ taxes. but on the major issues, she’s never have to compromise on anything, beause in Alaska, she works in a bipartisan manner. aww, Palin just must’ve come right down from Heaven!

Ifill: how do you change the tone in Washington? (that’s kind of broad, Ifill. you’ve been pretty solid all night, but what the fuck does that question mean?)

Biden: I can work across the aisle. talks about Mike Mansfield, who told Biden that Jesse Helms adopted a kid with braces! how multicultural that was of Jesse Helms. because of this, Biden wouldn’t question people’s motives.
Palin: she don’t talk the talk, she walks the walk. if you want a ticket that supports energy independence and new jobs, then vote McCain/Palin. “clear choices on November 4.”

Ifill: closing statements.

Palin: this debate was great! Biden, it was so nice to meet you! thanks to you too, Gwen! Palin wishes she could do this more often, instead of letting the “mainstream media” ask her unprompted questions and maker her look like a fucking dunce. she and McCain, they’re gonna fight for middle-class American families, just like the middle-class family Palin has. she’s a fighter for freedom, and now she quotes Ronald Reagan. then, she talks about some terrifying dystopia where we’ll have to tell our children what freedom was like, because freedom will be long gone. do you want to avoid this, America? if so, vote McCain/Palin.
Biden: it was a pleasure to meet you too, Governor. Barack Obama and I … blah, blah blah. “you know, the neighborhood I grew up in … we were taught that” we can be anything we believe we can be.  and his dad used to say, “champ, when you get knocked down, get up.” he must mean our economy and our standing in the world. I’m sure.

and that’s the Biden and Palin families coming up on stage, and everybody makes nice.

oh jesus christ, am I drunk.

okay. I watched (and more importantly) listened intently to the entire debate. verdict? Biden won, and Palin was mediocre. no huge gaffes, just like I said. fuck you, Ashley, what did I say?


1 comment so far

  1. recognize on

    quote from Dana Milbank’s article, so F U Josh:

    When backed into uncomfortable terrain, such as defending the Bush administration’s economic record, she exploded into cliche and non sequitur: “Say it ain’t so, Joe. There you go again pointing backwards again. . . . Now doggone it, let’s look ahead.” Before finishing her answer, she mentioned her “brother, who I think is the best schoolteacher in the year, and here’s a shout-out to all those third-graders at Gladys Wood Elementary School, you get extra credit for watching the debate.”

    “Everybody gets extra credit tonight,” the moderator assured Sarah Six-Pack. “We’re going to move on to the next question.”

Comments are closed.