Archive for August, 2008|Monthly archive page

the democrats just lost the Alaskan vote

about an hour ago I was in front of the television with my boxers, again, watching CNN talk about how McCain had picked the governor of Alaska as a running mate.
and anchor John King said something to the effect of: “well, you know, Wolf, Gov. Palin recently had a child that is affected by Down Syndrome, and she was aware while the child was in the womb that there could be potential complications. and she had the child anyway, which will certainly please pro-life voters.”

so John King just opined that the fact that Palin’s youngest son is retarded could be politically rewarding. way to go, man, that’s fuckin’ awesome. in fact, the only thing possibly more awesome than that suggestion is if he’s actually right.

convention ends

I had an awful night at work.
right now, I’m watching the rerun of the speech. in my boxers. drinking beer, eating grapes. I missed the speech earlier, as I was desperately trying to prepare the front page for the speech’s inclusion before deadline, that was a “hard” deadline, according to my boss. and I missed it. the deadline, I mean.

and now, I’m gonna show you that if you watch a political speech and write down only the soundbites and buzzwords that you hear, then politicians sound pretty god damned dumb, though occasionally inspired. this is not news to anyone. but I’m bored and I feel like typing, with very little purpose.

so.
here we go.

he shouts out to Dick Durbin. accepts nomination. the crowd goes wild. there’s a lot of people at that football stadium. the Broncos still suck.
Obama gives a special shoutout to Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton (it’s cathartic for Clintonites, everyone.). to Ted Kennedy and Joe Biden.
he makes note of how Biden gets along with everybody, even the Amtrak train conductors on the train he takes home every night. because if you’ve been living under a god damned rock for a week, you wouldn’t know that Joe Biden commutes to DC from Wilmington daily. and that shit is folksy.
Obama launches right into how the economy sucks, and blames it – partly – “on the failed politics of Washington and the broken policies of George W. Bush.”
“America, we are better than these last eight years.” yeah, can’t argue with that. job loss, he says! homeless vets, New Orleans 2005!
“next week in Minnesota, the same party that brought you two terms of George Bush and Dick Cheney will ask you for a third.” yep. and they’ll probably get it.

Obama launches into a lengthy indictment of John McCain.
he says, “now, I don’t believe Sen. McCain doesn’t care about ordinary Americans. I just think he doesn’t know.”
makes fun of free market economics (edit: this is easily the best part of Obama’s speech):

for over two decades – for over two decades, (McCain’s) subscribed to that old, discredited Republican philosophy: give more and more to those with the most and hope that prosperity trickles down to everyone else.
in Washington, they call this the “ownership society,” but what it really means is that you’re on your own. out of work? tough luck, you’re on your own. no health care? the market will fix it, you’re on your own. born into poverty? pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, even if you don’t have boots. you are on your own.
well, it’s time for them to own their failure. it’s time for us to change America. and that’s why I’m running for president of the United States.

talks about how his gramps fought in Patton’s army, and how his mom worked real hard to raise him, about student loans and scholarships, etc. factory workers losing their jobs. his hardworking grandmother, who poured everything she had into him. because for christ’s sake, you dumbfuck Drudge Report-reading hillbillies, he’s not that unlike you.
“now, I don’t know what kind of life John McCain thinks celebrities lead, but this has been mine.” that’s a nice little dig there. I’d be pretty pissed too if that gold digging scion of military royalty kept on calling me Paris Hilton.

“I’ll safely harness nuclear power.” he’ll invest $150 billion into alternative energy in the next decade. make fuel eficient cars more affordable, doesn’t say how. improve education. will “recruit an army of new teachers.” improve teacher salary. expect more accountability. improve healthcare system. he’ll change bankruptcy laws so your pension’s covered before the CEO’s is. protect social security. and, oh yeah, equal pay for women. sweet! I’m for all of these things.

he’s gonna break down Washington bureaucracy. and he’ll … wait. Michelle Obama claps like a god damned fish. it’s not hard, Michelle Obama, come on. just, you know, clap.
he, points out that he opposed the Iraq war, while McCain didn’t. how he wanted more troops in Afghanistan before McCain did.
calls again for timeline for troop drawdowns in Iraq. calls McCain “stubborn.”
“you don’t defeat a terrorist network that operates in 80 countries by occupying Iraq.” thank fucking god a national politician said this on prime time in front of 75,000 people.

he’ll end the war in Iraq and finish the fight in al-Qaida and the Taliban. he’ll rebuild the military. stop nuclear proliferation. curb a newly aggressive Russia. he’ll restore our moral standing in the world.

“patriotism has no party. I love this country. and so do you. and so does John McCain.” I seriously doubt that’s gonna stop the McCain campaign from questioning his patriotism, though. I mean, can’t we just fucking agree that we all love the god damned troops and we’re not trying to get them killed by not voting for war funding?

“don’t tell me we can’t uphold the 2nd Amendment without keeping AK-47s out of the hands of criminals.”

“all across America, something is stirring. what the naysayers don’t understand, is this election has never been about me. it’s about you.”
ok, fuck it, that’s enough. no, no it’s not. now, I don’t necesssarily think it’s all about Obama, either, but in two years, no matter who’s the president, we’re all gonna hate our elected officials all the same. that shit’s not going to change. every four years, we just make lots of placards and speak in vague generalities about “renewing America’s promise” and “change we can believe in,” but it’s all the same shit. the poor will still be poor, the rich will still be rich, jobs will still head overseas and we’ll still spend a ridonkulous amount of our budget on the national defense budget while public schools fail and NAFTA turns us into a nation, 300 million strong, of unemployed liberal arts majors and freelance web page designers. oh, and a good chunk of the developing world? it’ll still hate us. but at least the president will seem more approachable than George Bush II. fuck him, his father, and any stupid asshole who voted for him. write that down, with my name next to it. we elected, to the presidency, a legacy pledge. twice.

what’s Obama talking about now? aah, the end of his speech. generalities. speechifying. “keep that American promise. and to quote scripture, ‘hold firmly without wavering, to the hope that we confess.’ thank you, god bless you. and god bless the United States of America.”
queue the country music.

and Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews slobber all over this shit while fireworks go off over Denver. 
okay, fine. that wasn’t bad.
well. that’s the end of that. conclusion? yeah, I’m still nonplussed, though Obama’s a good speaker. I don’t really like Democrats – who seem to be consistently toothless letdowns – but not nearly as much as I dislike Republicans. oh, god, I can’t fucking wait for the Republican convention. I can’t fucking wait. those douchebags are going to be just as annoying and twice as wrong as anything I’ve seen in the last week. my blood pressure is going to go through the roof.

yeah. you gotta acknowledge Obama’s meteoric rise over the last few years. state senator in 2003. senator in 2004. probably president by 2009.

two dreams

Cormac McCarthy loves his dad.

okay. two of them. both had my father. it’s peculiar. I’m older now than he ever was by twenty years. so in a sense he’s the younger man.
anyway, first one I don’t remember so well but it was about money and I think I lost it. the second one, it was like we were both back in older times and I was on horseback going through the mountains at night. going through this pass in the mountains. it was cold and snowing, hard riding. hard country. he rode past me and kept on going. never said nothing going by. he just rode on past and he had his blanket wrapped around him and his head down and when he rode past I seen he was carrying fire in a horn the way people used to do and I could see the horn from the light inside of it, about the color of the moon.
and in the dream I knew that he was going on ahead and that he was fixing to make a fire somewhere out there in all that dark and all that cold, and I knew that whenever I got there he would be there. out there up ahead.
and then I woke up.

if, it turns out, that Cormac McCarthy has never even rode a goddamn horse, I’m gonna be upset. this is a writing thing.

movie review

  I am doing my lanudry.
  a few hours ago, I had just gotten off of work. and I was looking at my kitchen table, and on it, I had my remote for the television, and a ball peen hammer. so my choices were: watch some more Democratic Convention coverage — because cable news was bound to be showing reruns of the Mark Warner and Hillary Clinton speeches and all of the awful, awful punditry goings on in between — or I could take the hammer and beat myself stupid with it. I would end up, I figured, in roughly the same state of mind. 
  instead, I watched a movie. I watched ‘Southland Tales,’ and I think I shall write a review of it. I do, I think I shall!

  I had heard ‘Southland Tales’ was bad, and it was, but I didn’t hate it. no. and I’m going to tell you why: it was big, and confused. not necessarily confusing, though it was that too. but more confused … like it didn’t know what it wanted to do with itself. there’s just so much going on in it, and it moves in so many directions, that it’s hard to decipher even the obligatory plot summary (that’s coming up next). so, ‘Southland Tales’ has a lot of ideas — many of them interesting — it just does a shitty job of explaining almost all of them.
  it’s a movie set in an alternate future, set almost entirely in Southern California. in 2005, nuclear bombs are set off in Texas, which in turn sets off WWIII. the US reinstitutes the draft and goes into Iran, Syra,  and North Korea, in addition to the continuing wars in Iraq and Afghanistan … where, by the way, an American-led force killed 90 civilians in airstrikes there over the weekend. sixty of them were children. so much for smart bombs.
  anyway, the movie: the Republican party (the movie is very clear about which party) starts straight dominating in national politics. the Patriot Act is extended, movement between individual states is restricted, and the federal goverment takes over the Internet.
  because of the massive acceleration of military activity, especially in the Middle East, the world’s energy supply becomes strangled, and alternative fuels become the latest hot commodity. and this German company, it comes up with a design for a massive generator that they called Fluid Karma — built ominously off of the famous Santa Monica Pier — that uses the ocean currents to provide an unlimited energy supply.
naturally, liberals hate all of this, and so the real radicalized of them get into Marxism, and neo-Marxist cells start forming up and engaging in political blackmail and violence to get the Patriot Act curtailed. but they don’t even recognize the real god damned problem, which is …
  the generator is faulty! and it opens a rift into the fourth dimension, and if you enter into it, then time travel can cause human redundancies which could bring about the end of the world, and there’s astrophysics, and then someone launches what’s called the “MegaZeppelin”, and it gets even completely more god damned ridiculous than everything I’ve described here.
  the point is, ‘Southland Tales’ touches on a host of issues; energy, civil liberties, celebrity, infotainment, the military industrial complex, the ongoing war in Iraq, and on first read, it does a pretty awful job of tying all of these threads together. see, what I think is, there’s just too many god damned threads. the movie’s just too ambituous. it know what it wants to be, but it wants to be too much.
  with all of that said, it’s got a few things going for it. I thought it looked great. it’s funny in moments, and even striking in a few, mostly in its imagery. like Justin Timberlake sitting with a rifle on top of a building at the end of a pier against the sea, looking down on a beautiful, sunny California beach. The Rock on a clean white bed with a bloodied American flag in front of it. the MegaZeppelin floating above Los Angeles.
  and the cast was pretty impressive, too, if only in its scope. besides those I mentioned, these are the people I recognized: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Wallace ‘inconceivable’ Shawn, Nora Dunn, Christopher Lambert (the Highlander!), Mandy Moore, Sean William Scott, the tiny lady from ‘Poltergeist’, Cheri Oteri and Amy Poehler from Saturday Night Live, the fat guy from Mad TV, Jon fucking Lovitz, and Kevin Smith. I don’t know what half of their roles were, but they were definitely in it, doing something or other.
  and, it has a pretty decent soundtrack. songs like this, and this. there’s a scene at the end that features a song pretty heavily, and I said to myself, ‘that’s gotta be Moby,’ and it was. apparently, he scored it. so, you know, hooray for pop music.

  so. it’s not great. but if you’ve got nothing else to do and a couple of bong rips to get on top of, ‘Southland Tales’ isn’t a huge waste of time. 
  simply put: it knows what it wants to say, and it can’t figure out how to say it to you, but that won’t stop you from thinking about what you’re looking at anyway. I guess you could just do bong rips and read a newspaper. there’s some crazy shit going on in the world.

convention

I took really, really shitty notes of the three hours of convention coverage I watched tonight. would you like to read these notes? hell yes you would!

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is giving a speech.
Nancy Pelosi is an awful speaker. which, of course, is why she’s just the Speaker.
she’s doing a call response:
“Barack Obama is right!” she says, and
“John McCain is wrong!” says the crowd.
Pelosi is an Italian American. what? how was she allowed to climb this high in government?
annnd, Pelosi is basically wordfucking Obama. but then again, it’s the god damned convention, so what did I expect?
“Katharine Lee Bates … was in Denver … saw Pikes Peak … and bountiful golden prairies, majestic mountains. and then she wrote ‘America the Beautiful’ …” Pelosi’s favorite is the fourth verse? know why? Barack Obama, that’s why!

loud MSNBC television person Chris Matthews on Pelosi’s speech:
“This speech was expected. there’s always an indictment speech of the rival candidate’s message.” well, howdy do. I wasn’t aware of that.

over on Fox News (America’s election headquarters) Bill O’Reilly got some asshole interviewing protesters outside of the Pepsi Center, of course, to give a nice, evenhanded look at the type of person who attends the Democratic Convention. honestly, though, if I were in Denver, that’s where I’d probably be.
… and now he’s looping video of a Ward Churchill speech. of course he is.

a while later, a video tribue to Ted Kennedy
this video is the most cheesedick thing I think I’ve ever seen.
and here’s Kennedy. check out the haircut. brain tumors, man.
Kennedy pledges that he’ll be still be alive and a functioning senator in January. that’s not a joke or anything, he really said that.
is talking about “a season of hope.” calls this new hope the cause of his life. “we’ll break the old gridlock and guarantee every American … will have decent, quality healthcare as a fundamental right, not a privilege.”
how will this happen? Barack Obama, that’s how!

later …
David Gregory of NBC news is interviewing Sen. John Kerry and his wife, Theresa Heinz Kerry, who is clearly drunk. ohh, Gregory’s got a question for the missus! Kerry hold the mic for her as she leans in and, and yes: I can see an awful lot of her boob.
David Gregory, who has served his time and seems to be a decent reporter, still elicits a strange response from me. I want to take a swing at him. this is very primal. like, remember Ogre from “Revenge of the Nerds”?  NERDS. it’s like that.

Chris Matthews is interviewing your boy Sen. Chris Dodd
Dodd looks like any number of woodland animals. and like his good friend, Ted Kennedy, he can see the similarities between John F. Kennedy and Barack Obama.

Karl Rove is on Fox News! he works there now! Sean Hannity just called him “the architect”. that’s fucking sweet. I forgot all about this!

I wanted to read up on some political bloggin’ on the convention, so I checked the Huffington Post. their headline, in 70 point Myriad Roman font, is THE LION EMERGES. which is about Ted Kennedy. I really don’t like the Huffington Post. say what you will.

James Carville is on a CNN roundtable discussion. there’s Donna Brazille. if there’s one thing that everyone from all political stripes can agree on, it’s that Carville is a strikingly ugly man.

here’s Michelle Obama’s brother, Craig. he says she’s memorized every episode of the Brady Bunch and used to play the piano before his big games in high school.
when they would stay up late and talk at night, she would always bring up the people who were picked on at school or had a tough time at home. talk about an instant fuckin’ bummer, man.
your boy Craig is the head coach of the Oregon State men’s basketball team. really? GO BEAVERS.
and now, with the basketball tie-in, Craig gives a scouting report on Barack: “he’ll talke the shot if he’s open. and he won’t back down from anything.”

here comes Michelle Obama.
are they playing Motown for her introduction?
okay, some thoughts on Mrs. Obama. she’s a good speaker. good cadence. knows how to work a crowd. sounds believable. she sounds like she’s having a conversation at a kitchen table, which is good, I’d imagine. isn’t this how she wants to look?
oh, christ, enough with the funny name shit. anyone who can’t get over Barack Obama’s name probably can’t figure out how to vote anyhow.
Barack says, “there’s the world as it is and the world as it should be. and far too often we settle for what is.”
when her kids look back on this campaign, “they’ll tell them how this time we listened to our hopes instead of our fears.” nice.
and, she’s done. PA is playing “isn’t she lovely”. and there’s Obama on the jumbo-tron. he’s in Kansas City, his car must have broken down. some painful back and forth with a delay between Obama and his wife and kids, and he’s out. he’ll be there in a few days! I’d imagine he’s road-trippin’ his way there. he’s probably selling oregano outside the mall for gas money, right now.

and now, Andrea Kramer is interviewing Richard Daly. who is like Diamond Joe Quimby crossed with a Superfan.

and, that’s it.

politics

Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama’s campaign has tapped Sen. Joe Biden as his running mate in the general election.
okay.

two peple called me tonight to let me know that Biden, from Delaware, is to get the VP selection.
Joe Biden is by far the least shitty in a shitty field.
I heard a woman from the Chicago Tribune say on the radio tonight, that everybody will hate Obama and McCain by October. and I realized, that shit, I hate McCain now and currently I’m ambivalent to Obama at best, so why the fuck am I so early?
it’s because I hate politicians. but curiously, I don’t despise Biden; Biden, who is the living, breathing definition of politician.
I think it’s this: you never hear people bitch about Joe Biden’s foreign policiy credentials, which is essentially what his role is in the Senate: he’s a foreign policy expert who will jaw with Republicans. but when people talk shit about Biden, it’s not about his cred but about the time he got caught plagiarizing a British politician’s speech during his 1988 presidential campaign — which has currently capped the rise in his career. 
but I, for one, already assume that politicians are at the-very-least-1/3 pandering asshole under even the best of circumstances. so a national politician getting caught plagiarizing a speech? that should be assumed. I feel your faith in politics doesn’t have to be dead, but it has to able to accept some pretty pathetic things from the people who bring it to you.
so with that lack of confidence in the establishment stated, I think Biden is one of the better examples that the establishment has to offer — even though he went to Georgia to talk foreign policy early, which I find incredibly presumptious (Joe Lieberman is a douchebag). all of this, and still, rival John McCain forgets how many homes he and his wife own. (here, as I write this, I am raising an eyebrow.)
I’m being honest; I understand McCain is a tough-as-nails prick. but that doesn’t excuse him from not having any idea what it’s like to even be middle class. I mean look, my grandparents were the generation of Joads, not me. I think I get by, but not expansively. but simply put, I don’t think McCain knows how to manage the economy, his campaign doesn’t seem to give a fuck about that, and I say that’s bullshit. I’m not hurting, but I know people who are, and people who say ‘it takes at leat $5 million to be wealthy’ apparently don’t have any idea how goddamned wealthy a pot of $1 million makes you. I could live for years, with a family.
so count your condominiums — because those count too, you rage-suppressing son of a bitch — snap out of senility long enough to get ready for your next quesiton, and bring something worth voting for to the table.

oil speculation makes me … angry

I’m very conscious of the fact that most of the newspaper articles I post links to are at the Washington Post. I am also conscious of the fact that a) no one else notices and b) no one else cares. but oh boy, did they write themselves an interesting one today.


Regulators had long classified a private Swiss energy conglomerate called Vitol as a trader that primarily helped industrial firms that needed oil to run their businesses.
But when the Commodity Futures Trading Commission examined Vitol’s books last month, it found that the firm was in fact more of a speculator, holding oil contracts as a profit-making investment rather than a means of lining up the actual delivery of fuel. Even more surprising to the commodities markets was the massive size of Vitol’s portfolio — at one point in July, the firm held 11 percent of all the oil contracts on the regulated New York Mercantile Exchange.

you know, I’m all for measured justice, but I revert into mouth-breathing populism when it comes to this bullshit. it’s so nice to have a name to put to oil speculation. Vitol. I do hope there’s more. I say, give these people to the mob, with pitchforks and torches, and let the mob physically tear them apart.
yes, I’m calling for horrible, horrible acts of violence against these cocksuckers. horrible acts. make their mothers cry.

the sax player from DMB died, and that’s big news around here

I was at the gym the other day, and I was wearing this t-shirt I lifted off of my brother from a Moscow soccer club. it’s in cyrillic.
I get off the hamster mill and this little old lady is behind me on an eliptical machine and she’s grinning at me. ‘are you Russian?’ she asks.
no. I’m not Russian.
I explain to her where I got it and that my mother’s family is ethnically Russian. I tell her where my grandmother’s family was from, which is Galicia.
‘yes. that is Western Ukraine. or Romania.’ that sounds about right.
and she keeps talking, about how she lives in Ukraine, and before that she lived in Ann Arbor, Mich. how much she likes it here, though she misses Russia. ‘it is my home. but I am Jewish, ethnically, and can you believe they do not like Jews in Russia?’
no. that’s awful.
‘in my own country they do not like me because I am Jew. but also I am Russian. my friend in Ann Arbor, she knows other Russians who work at university, and so she tells them of me, and they hear my last name and she says ‘yes she is Russian Jew.’ and they say to her, ‘she is not Russian.’ can you believe?’
I can’t believe that, no.
we made friends. my first friend at the gym is an elderly Russian lady. the Rock goes to my gym, but fuck him. this woman reminds me of grandma.
and I was late to work.

I read an interesting article today. a senior aide to Dick Cheney is being considered for a top spot in the energy department. his name is F. Chase Hutto III, and like most people who go on initializing their first names, he’s an asshole of the highest degree. if pieces of shit had their own organizations, like the Benevolent Order of Elks, he’d be an Esteemed Loyal Knight. fuck F. Chase Hutto III. he sucks. 
see, Mr. Hutto is a principled conservative, which means that regulation of any kind of any way makes you a pinko commie faggot that hates America. or a right whale:


In recent months, Hutto has helped scale back a rule proposed by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration to protect North Atlantic right whales — one of the most endangered animals on the planet — from lethal s
hip strikes. The rule NOAA submitted 1 1/2 years ago originally would have required ships within 30 nautical miles of several East Coast ports to slow to 10 knots or less during parts of the year when the whales are migrating.
Acting on Cheney’s behalf, Hutto questioned whether there was sufficient scientific evidence to justify the economic costs that the rule would impose on shippers. The White House plans to issue a revised ship strike rule next month that will reduce the perimeter around the ports from 30 to 20 nautical miles and will “sunset” the rule after five years. New England Aquarium research scientist Amy Knowlton said those changes would “undermine the scientific integrity of the rule,” since right whales have been spotted within 30 miles of the ports.

for christ’s sake. “one of the most endangered animals on the planet.” can’t you, you know, just bend a little on this one, Bush administration? just a little? I mean, come on, what’s the approval rating hovering at? 30 percent? that means that even a sizeable number of the stupid sons of bitches who voted for Bush and Cheney in 2004 are tired of this shit. so can we quit with the setting of little timebombs, these little holdovers that are gonna go in and tear down environmental protection policies, or create antagonistic missile defense pacts with eastern European countries? because it only took eight fucking years, but finally, no one is interested. christ. just go away.

okay. I’m gonna have an ice cream sandwich. delicious!

italics

my laundry is almost done.

I just watched ‘Black Snake Moan’ with Samuel Jackson and Christina Ricci. by the guy who did ‘Hustle & Flow.’
it didn’t suck, no. but I don’t know. the director tries to ground the movie in something palpable, something realistic, but it’s kind of hard to buy. the plot keeps ramping it up until it’s no longer grounded, and it becomes fantastic, and the problem is, is the movie doesn’t want to present itself that way. it wants to be one thing, and goes in the other. like a gritty fairytale, that shit’s tired.
do you want examples of this? because I’m sitting here, thinking on it, and nothing comes to mind. but that’s the feeling I got from it after watching it just now.
and at the end of it all, it’s got Christina Ricci half-naked for virtually the entire movie. and yeah, I know, Christinia Ricci, blah blah blah, you liked the role because it allowed you to explore new ground as an actress. I know. I saw ‘Pumpkin.’ the point is, a half-naked Christina Ricci in a movie is a draw. so let’s acknowledge that, please.

you wanna hear some shit? I got some shit for you

so I caught a ride home tonight with a friend of the sports editor after going out with him and his crew of friends after work to a bar about a mile from here. near the University of Virginia campus. to a campus bar. yes.

I’m listening to “funky Kingston” by Toots and the Maytals. coming onto reggae strong, recently. a little behind the curve, but who cares? this song’s the god damned bomb.

but yeah, I catch this ride home, right? it’s with a friend of the sports editor tonight, and she’s cool, and I’ve met her before. she lives nearby, and we’ve got a report, and she’s cute.
I normally don’t, uh, blog about this kind of shit. but I’m not quite ready to go to bed, so maybe something interesting will come out of this. this just happened, like, in the last 20 minutes. but I caught a ride home with her, on the pretext that I had a little too much to drink. which was true, but I also wanted to get some time alone with her — classy — because she’s interesting, seems cool and she’s cute, and I’m trying to be suave.
so she drops me off at my house, and I’m trying to think of something to say, as we’re talking about god knows what, and I can’t tell if she’s being polite and waiting for me to get my slightly-tanked ass out of her car or if she’s trying to prolong the conversation, but I swear to god that the only thing I can’t think about is how bad I have to take a piss.
yes. this is true. 
(shift in tense)
I should have asked for her number, but I didn’t. I couldn’t stop thinking about how bad I had to fucking pee. I mean, really, it was epic in its urgency. so instead, I’ll spend the next couple of days thinking about how I’ve torpedoed myself with this person well before anything got off the ground. or, you know, I may not have torpedoed myself, but that won’t stop my mind from running amok anyway. son of a bitch!

so: stay tuned for details. though I’ll probably come to my senses and stop writing about this kind of stupd shit by sun-up, so enjoy it while it lasts, and thank the beer for my loose lipz. because you motherfuckers love this self-doubt. isn’t this the kind of shit that makes a good blog? it totally is, isn’t it? my readership is slipping! but I’m giving the people what they motherfucking want.  because I’m so very put upon. and you’re so very welcome.

also, the Bears’ third-string quarterback is looking good in the preseason. so, I guess that’s good news.