everything you ever wanted to know about your Republican presidential candidates

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I wouldn’t call this “liveblogging.” a lot of this is without commentary. obviously, this is all filtered through my eyes and ears, but you’re so very welcome; here’s the Tuesday GOP debate.

says the moderator: “is the debt a threat to national security?”
Rudy Giuliani: no. Islamic terrorism.
Duncan Hunter: trade deficit. China.
Ron Paul: yes. “we’re in the midst of a currency crisis.”
Tom Tancredo: energy independence.”
Fred Thompson: (wakes up) “we’re bankrupting the next generation.” wants to save social security.
Mitt Romney: “this is not a time for us to wring our hands and think our future is bleak.” says we need good schools for kids, good health care, good policy in Washington. strengthen the American people, ah fuck. he said absolutely nothing.
Mike Huckabee: outsourcing sucks. need to “feed” ourselves.
John McCain: yes. it is a national security issue. “if oil reaches $100 a barrel … money will go to terrorists. he’ll make oil independence a Manhattan project.
holy shit, it’s Alan fucking Keyes: abolish the income tax. install fair tax.

moderator says, “what sacrifices would you ask the American people to make to lower the national debt? please be specific.”
Giuliani: strength of America is its people. give people more money to spend so we can have unlimited dreams. moderator asks him the question again, cause he didn’t answer it and he says: reduce income tax burden, let them buy their own health care.
Paul: “it’s absolutely unnecessary to sacrifice.” cut spending for defense overseas.
Huckabee: move from intervention-based helath care model to prevention-based.

“are there programs that are so important that you’d be willing to run a deficit to save them?”
Romney: that situation will not exist. let’s ask the private sector. let the programs that don’t work go.
Tancredo: “follow the constitution of this country.” “we do far too many things that excede our constitutional boundaries.” defense is foremost, everything is extraneous.
Thompson: yes. military. infrastructure. research and development.

moderator asks, “who in this country is paying more than a fair share of taxes: wealthy, middle class, poor, corporations?”
Keyes: incumbents.
McCain: reform tax code.
Huckabee: we need a fair tax. not to punish, but to enable.
Romney: he’s worried about the middle class. apparently, it keeps him up at night. he actually answered the question.
Thompson: I wish I was like Romney so I didn’t have to worry about taxes. (that’s paraphrased, but he actually said that.)
Tancredo: fair tax.
Paul: middle class.
Hunter: wants to … wait for it … flat tax, fair tax … nope. I thought he was going to propose abolishing the IRS.
Giuliani: reduce taxes across the board. get rid of death tax.

“free statement time, everyone!” said the Moderator, and then she takes off her shirt.
Mccain: I’ve been involved with every major national security issue in our time … I have the judgment and experience. wants to keep America safe.
Hunter: I stand for a strong national defense, blah blah.

“stop talking so long,” says the moderator. “one in five jobs is fucked. how can America compete? what’s the deal?”
Paul: non-answer.
Romney: understands private sector. invest in education and technology and foreign oil is bad and so is Chinese currency manipulation. no trade barriers.
Huckabee: can’t part the Red Sea, can part the Red Tape. small business. stop frivolous lawsuits.

“considering that poverty and abuse are often blamed for fostering terrorism, should we change policies with bad states?”
McCain: likes human rights and still wants to talk about trade.

“changes to NAFTA? specific, please.”
Giuliani: likes it. NAFTA a good thing. more NAFTA. embrace free trade and globalization.
Thompson: also is a fan of the NAFTA. Mexicans are assholes for talking shit about us and NAFTA. “I have nothing in particular to point out.” he doesn’t know what NAFTA is.
Tancredo: doesn’t like NAFTA. “if it worked so well … why do Mexicans all come up here because of it?” NAFTA impedes sovereignty.
Hunter: also doesn’t like the Mexicans. NAFTA a bad deal.

“free statement rodeo roundup!”
Paul: we need more liberty and freedom. constitution was supposed to constrain government, but it don’t! no, it restrains people!
Thompson: national security. this man was on “Law & Order.”

“how many of you believe global climtate change is a serious threat? show of hands.”
no one raises hands.
Thompson: won’t raise hand unless he can talk about it.
they almost turned on her, there.
McCain: it’s real. we can address it.
Giuliani: real. energy independence.

“what impact on economy would be acceptable to reduce global impact of climate change?”
Romney: energy independence helps everybody. but it’s called “global warming. not America warming.”
Keyes: he’s still talking about incumbents.
Thompson makes fun of him for it. everybody laughs at Keyes.

“Huckabee, what’s the deal with your mandate on biofuels and shit?”
Huckabee: “we don’t own this earth, we are simply stewards of it.” agrees with McCain. willing to make the decisions that won’t necessarily change the mandates. thank god.
Hunter: isn’t big on ethanol. loves the incentives for energy innovation.
Tancredo: doesn’t believe in mandates.

“free statement rodeo!”
Tancredo: immigration without assimilation becomes “a catastrophe.” quotes Roosevelt, says nation a “polyglot boarding house.”
Huckabee: gibberish about roots and Americans, and, fuck it. who cares?

“science literacy is down. what standards does U.S. need to adopt to improve education?”
McCain: more eduational competition. more charter schools and vouchers. more home schooling. (yeah, home schooling is a great way to improve science literacy.)
Giuliani: public schools suck. more private, parochial, home schooling.
Hunter: Jamie Escalante. “Stand and Deliver” was a good movie. Hunter then blames teachers unions indirectly.
Romney: pay teachers more. OK, I actually agree with that.
Huckabee: education is a state issue. someone should tell Alabama and West Virginia this. Huckabee says education is boring. “unleash weapons of mass instruction.” I swear to god, he said that. wants more music in schools.
Paul … no, wait, Keyes is bitching about television time. Keyes: wants god in schools. he demanded time so he can say “we need god in schools.” I’m so happy Keyes got on here. someone must have left the back door open.
back to Paul: Dept. of Education sucks. No Child Left Behind sucks. education sucks. everything sucks. give tax credits to teachers, but don’t pay them more. bureaucrats to blame.
Thompson: biggest obstacle is National Education Association. Thompson does not like the NEA. at. all. or their scare tactics. the NEA is the biggest obstacle to education in America.
Tancredo: I worked for Ronald Reagan. Huckabee doesn’t know what’s up. abolish the Dept. of Education. Tom Tancredo hates you, Margaret Spellings.
big Huck: fuck you all, I know more about executive experience than anyone here.
Romney: just wanted to point out that Huckabee comes from a stupid, poor state. unlike himself, who comes from smart, smart Massachusetts.

“1st year in office, what do you do?”
Giuliani: major tax reduction, end illegal immigration, reduce size of federal government, defeat islamic terrorism, move toward energy indepence. fuck, I’m voting for this guy!
Hunter: strengthen military. build border fence with Mexicans. bring back jobs from Chinese. slants!
Paul: end Iraq war. first time I’ve heard that fucking thing mentioned all night. no more pre-emptive war. stop threatening Iran. bring troops home.
Tancredo: would free someone I’ve never heard of. get rid of illegal immigrants. would continue Iraq “battle” and stop threat to Western Civilization.
Thompson: he’d use this time for some straight talk with the American People.
Romney: he’ do more than talk, no; he’d overwhelm global jihad, which he mispronounces. reduce tax burden, federal spending, get on track for energy independence, etc.
Huck: makes fun of everybody’s “laundry list.” he’d be a president of all of the United States. everybody’s fighting each other, so who’s gonna fight for America? Huckabee would. just think about it.
McCain: “listen to me, I’m qualified, you fuckers.” he’d take the fight to the land, sea, air, and cyberspace. also, he’d restore trust in government.
Keyes: would restore moral sovereignty. day one, Keyes is getting rid of abortion. drop tha bomb, Keyes! even more, he’d abolish the income tax. go on, player! then, he’d establish a national border guard and seal the United States. (note: I’m making fun of Keyes cause he’s black)

“Romney, Keyes, Giuliani, go!”
Romney: “I love Iowa and Iowans’ heartland values.” Romney knows a lot about stuff, and he’d be a good president, so please, vote for Romney.
Keyes: if you want to restore the credibility of the Republican party, vote for Alan Keyes, and don’t roll your eyes.
Giuliani: “America needs bold leadership.” I bet. mentions 12 commitments, some campaign bullshit.

break for television plug in, and, that’s all I got. I’m an hour in and I have shit to do.

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3 comments so far

  1. Anonymous on

    Matty, this is a public service, and it is magic. Thank you. -Ashley L.

  2. Smith on

    Better than Wonkette’s live blogging, fo sho

  3. […] searched far and wide, looking for the most qualified possible candidate, and came up with, yes, Alan Keyes. Alan Keyes was, or is, many things. one thing he is – he’s crazy. also, very […]


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